You know you’ve thought it, too…

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

That’s enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You’d take the cartridge out, blow in it, and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no search engines or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

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It’s not the US News and World Report’s list of the nation’s “best colleges,” nor is it the Princeton Review (which is bs anyway). It’s GQ magazine’s determination of the 25 douchiest colleges in America, described as “GQ’s first-ever guide to our nation’s Ivoriest Towers of douchery.”

The list includes a few Virginia schools, some Ivies, and even little old Rollins College, among a handful of state and private institutions. So even if your school didn’t make the top 25, you’ll definitely know someone who went to a top 25er. And you know what that means: it’s heckling time.

This very scientific video proves that there is a direct relationship between creativity and the unemployment rate. Watch as the woodspider reacts to a number of variables in manners very similar to those of humans, and expect to be impressed by the near-National Geographic quality of this mini-documentary.