Word Salad » Random Salad

What If Earth Had Rings? Would it be as Crowded as Uranus? Get it?

scatmansham — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:10:30 +0000

Earth if it had a ring system like Saturn.

I never really thought of what earth would look like with rings. I guess I always thought about more important questions like, how come girls only have 2 boobs, or how come whenever I put a plug in a socket the first try it’s always upside down. These are the questions that, when answered, will bring us into a new enlightened age of advanced technology and women with tri-titties! Until that great day check this video out…

Tiger Woods’ Penis Must Be Exhausted

scatmansham — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:42:38 +0000

As everyone has undoubtedly heard, Tiger Woods was caught and apparently beaten by his wife for swinging his “club” as other women’s vaginas. Now, a new woman has come out every day since the news of his first affair first broke and his wife wants blood. Tiger has reportedly offered his wife millions to keep her trap shut and even more to stay with him. His poonanny count is up to 9 now and his collection is comprised of models, club owners, porn stars, and even a midget. I made that last part up, but it is only monday. This is yet another story about how a millionaire loses it all for the carnal treasure located between women’s luscious thighs. I need to be alone. Good luck Tiger! That won’t help…you and your cartoonish smile are FUCKED.

Check out some of his ladies below: Jaimee Grubbs, Rachel Uchitel, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Junger, Cori Rist and Mindy Lawton

No related posts.

The 50 Best Protest Signs Of 2009: Gays, Obama, and Fox News Sheep

Joe Harouni — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:11:43 +0000

via Buzzfeed.

Bad News: I lost my iPhone 3G. Good News: I got the new 3GS! Yeah… you wish you were me…

The Video Game World is Doomed. Presenting “Mass: We Pray!”

scatmansham — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:53:59 +0000

Video games are my escape from the craziness and misery of real life, but those sons of bitches at CHRISTIANITY CORP. have decided to bring some of that insanity into my fantasy world. MASS: WE PRAY is a Wii-type game where players use a complete knock-off of the Wii remote to do all that stuff people do during mass, besides sleep. I, being the heathen and blasphemer you all know and love, have never taken part in these rituals such as swinging a biblical fog machine that smells like burnt taint hair, eating ritz crackers and making believe it’s human flesh, or drinking wine and making believe you are some sort of vampire…I can go on and on about what goes on behind those psychadelic glass windows, but I digress. Watch the video and I’m sure you’ll be taken aback at how ridiculous this game is.

Check out the official site here…http://www.masswepray.com/

This game is not only offensive, but it is also an obvious jab at my religous community and our game…ULTRA THETAN : THE RISE OF XENU…I have reached Operating Thetan Level 8…and I can kill you with my mind…in the game.

World Won’t End in 2012, NASA

The Chef — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:23:27 +0000

Remember the Y2K scare? It came and went without much of a whimper because of adequate planning and analysis of the situation. Impressive movie special effects aside, Dec. 21, 2012, won’t be the end of the world as we know. It will, however, be another winter solstice.

Much like Y2K, 2012 has been analyzed and the science of the end of the Earth thoroughly studied. Contrary to some of the common beliefs out there, the science behind the end of the world quickly unravels when pinned down to the 2012 timeline. Below, NASA Scientists answer several questions that we’re frequently asked regarding 2012.

via NASA.

For Your Christmas Gift, I’ll just need 2-3 photos of your Yoni

CoffeeNerded — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:30:41 +0000

A good friend of mine is starting an Etsy shop, and I was perusing the shops for some Xmas gift ideas (and to avoid the massive amounts of files built up on my desk) and I came across a shop called (this is no joke) Vulva Love Lovely. It’s really and truly an entire commercial venture based on women loving their own ladybits.

The merchandise itself is not really what I have an issue with, but the descriptions of some of the products can provide some serious adolescent-sense-of-humor entertainment. Here’s an excerpt from the description of just one of many options available for a custom-made vagine (that’s French for vah-jay-jay):

Celebrate your own beauty.

Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.

After purchasing you can e-mail 2-3 photos of your Yoni to: VulvaLoveLovely [!at] Gmail.com. Please include chain choice: Antique copper or gunmetal (shown in the final photo) in the ‘message to seller’ section at checkout.

First, this entire operation would be the best fraternity prank EVER - no one could have come up with an easier way to get women to send them pictures of their ‘Yoni’ over the internet than this. But never fear! Nervous that your ‘Yoni’ picture will be pimped out over the internet? (because really, have LaLohan and Brit Brit taught us NOTHING about vaginas and the internet?) But you still want to wear your vagina around your neck? There’s an alternative! Hooray!!

If you are not comfortable sending pictures you also have to option of sending me a description of your Yoni.

In your description please include:
*The shape of your inner and outer labia
*colors
*how much or how little your inner labia extend out from your outer labia
*how well hidden your clitoris is, is it heavily hooded or can you see it fairly easily?

Or really, you could save yourself the $23 plus shipping and just walk around without any pants… just sayin.

No related posts.

6 Year Old Steals Parents Experimental Helium Balloon-Air Vehicle…Hilarity Ensues

scatmansham — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:01:34 +0000

Some genius child in Colorado stole his parents hot air balloon and is now stranded in the air with no possible way to get down short of hurling toward solid ground at mach 3 . Here’s the deets.

“Officials are trying to rescue a 6-year-old boy who climbed into a balloon-like experimental aircraft built by his parents and floated into the sky over eastern Colorado…

The helium balloon was tethered to the boy’s family home in Fort Collins, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department said. The boy got into the craft Thursday morning and undid the rope anchoring it. The department said the dome-shaped balloon is 20 feet long and 5 feet high.”

The only things I could steal from my parents were their car, maybe some fancy sex dolls, and a few different types of hallucinogens, but how cool would it be if you had parents that built shit like helium balloons that you could lure hot chicks into with promises of a romantic tryst at an altitude of approximately 10,000 feet. Hey baby ever have an orgasm while plummeting towards a mountain at breakneck speed? The air is a little thin up here baby so it’s probly better you don’t choke me with my belt while you stomp on my man business with your stilletos…A boy can dream.

I have one solution. The boy should make a tiny incision at the base and slowly suck the helium out and sing Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas songs until the balloon apparatus strikes the ground since he’s probably going to be with Jesus on his birthday…this might make his transition to the afterlife a little less horrifying. Of course, I’m joking and I hope they can find a way to get this very dumb child down safely. Now do you wanna be pro-choice?!

Good luck and god speed!

**UPDATE**
THE BOY WAS FOUND HIDING IN THE ATTIC OF THE HOME. HE WAS NOT IN THE BALLOON.

via cnn.com

The 6-year-old Colorado boy who is believed to have set adrift a helium balloon Thursday, prompting ground and air searches, has been found alive, authorities said.

The balloon landed south of Prospect Springs, Colorado, on Thursday afternoon.

1 of 3

He was found in a box in the attic at his family’s Fort Collins home, according to authorities.

Word Salad now Using Facebook Connect. Try it out by leaving a comment.

The Chef — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:00:26 +0000

If you are logged into facebook, you should be able to leave a comment below without logging in. Try it out! Otherwise you can log in by pressing the “Connect” Button located about the comments section. Related posts:Facebook 3.0 for the iPhone has Arrived!Teens post fake Facebook profile, are sued.I hate signing in twice- link your facebook [...] Related posts:

ON POINT: Poignant thoughts from people ages 25-35

cupcake — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:00:42 +0000

You know you’ve thought it, too…

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

That’s enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You’d take the cartridge out, blow in it, and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no search engines or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means “I will never wash this ever.”

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Facebook Gaydar. MIT students don’t have something better to do?

The Chef — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

We all know the death of privacy is imminent. We are so plugged into everyone else and everyone is so plugged into us, that even minor life happenings are oft posted and recorded for posterity. However, it is often taken for granted that are you leaving an electronic trail everytime you update a status or add a friend.

A couple of students at MIT picked up on this trail and turned it into a “Gaydar” of sorts:

Using data from the social network Facebook, they made a striking discovery: just by looking at a person’s online friends, they could predict whether the person was gay. They did this with a software program that looked at the gender and sexuality of a person’s friends and, using statistical analysis, made a prediction. The two students had no way of checking all of their predictions, but based on their own knowledge outside the Facebook world, their computer program appeared quite accurate for men, they said.

While this may, in the interim, serve as locker room fodder and crude humor, the applications are pretty much endless. Ferreting out political affiliations, sexual promiscuity, drinking habits and drug use… Even if you’ve never inhaled and certainly never posted about it, a lot can be inferred by the (online) company you keep.

via [Discoblog]