Word Salad » Strange News Salad

What If Earth Had Rings? Would it be as Crowded as Uranus? Get it?

scatmansham — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:10:30 +0000

Earth if it had a ring system like Saturn.

I never really thought of what earth would look like with rings. I guess I always thought about more important questions like, how come girls only have 2 boobs, or how come whenever I put a plug in a socket the first try it’s always upside down. These are the questions that, when answered, will bring us into a new enlightened age of advanced technology and women with tri-titties! Until that great day check this video out…

Tiger Woods’ Penis Must Be Exhausted

scatmansham — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:42:38 +0000

As everyone has undoubtedly heard, Tiger Woods was caught and apparently beaten by his wife for swinging his “club” as other women’s vaginas. Now, a new woman has come out every day since the news of his first affair first broke and his wife wants blood. Tiger has reportedly offered his wife millions to keep her trap shut and even more to stay with him. His poonanny count is up to 9 now and his collection is comprised of models, club owners, porn stars, and even a midget. I made that last part up, but it is only monday. This is yet another story about how a millionaire loses it all for the carnal treasure located between women’s luscious thighs. I need to be alone. Good luck Tiger! That won’t help…you and your cartoonish smile are FUCKED.

Check out some of his ladies below: Jaimee Grubbs, Rachel Uchitel, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Junger, Cori Rist and Mindy Lawton

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The Video Game World is Doomed. Presenting “Mass: We Pray!”

scatmansham — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:53:59 +0000

Video games are my escape from the craziness and misery of real life, but those sons of bitches at CHRISTIANITY CORP. have decided to bring some of that insanity into my fantasy world. MASS: WE PRAY is a Wii-type game where players use a complete knock-off of the Wii remote to do all that stuff people do during mass, besides sleep. I, being the heathen and blasphemer you all know and love, have never taken part in these rituals such as swinging a biblical fog machine that smells like burnt taint hair, eating ritz crackers and making believe it’s human flesh, or drinking wine and making believe you are some sort of vampire…I can go on and on about what goes on behind those psychadelic glass windows, but I digress. Watch the video and I’m sure you’ll be taken aback at how ridiculous this game is.

Check out the official site here…http://www.masswepray.com/

This game is not only offensive, but it is also an obvious jab at my religous community and our game…ULTRA THETAN : THE RISE OF XENU…I have reached Operating Thetan Level 8…and I can kill you with my mind…in the game.

World Won’t End in 2012, NASA

The Chef — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:23:27 +0000

Remember the Y2K scare? It came and went without much of a whimper because of adequate planning and analysis of the situation. Impressive movie special effects aside, Dec. 21, 2012, won’t be the end of the world as we know. It will, however, be another winter solstice.

Much like Y2K, 2012 has been analyzed and the science of the end of the Earth thoroughly studied. Contrary to some of the common beliefs out there, the science behind the end of the world quickly unravels when pinned down to the 2012 timeline. Below, NASA Scientists answer several questions that we’re frequently asked regarding 2012.

via NASA.

6 Year Old Steals Parents Experimental Helium Balloon-Air Vehicle…Hilarity Ensues

scatmansham — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:01:34 +0000

Some genius child in Colorado stole his parents hot air balloon and is now stranded in the air with no possible way to get down short of hurling toward solid ground at mach 3 . Here’s the deets.

“Officials are trying to rescue a 6-year-old boy who climbed into a balloon-like experimental aircraft built by his parents and floated into the sky over eastern Colorado…

The helium balloon was tethered to the boy’s family home in Fort Collins, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department said. The boy got into the craft Thursday morning and undid the rope anchoring it. The department said the dome-shaped balloon is 20 feet long and 5 feet high.”

The only things I could steal from my parents were their car, maybe some fancy sex dolls, and a few different types of hallucinogens, but how cool would it be if you had parents that built shit like helium balloons that you could lure hot chicks into with promises of a romantic tryst at an altitude of approximately 10,000 feet. Hey baby ever have an orgasm while plummeting towards a mountain at breakneck speed? The air is a little thin up here baby so it’s probly better you don’t choke me with my belt while you stomp on my man business with your stilletos…A boy can dream.

I have one solution. The boy should make a tiny incision at the base and slowly suck the helium out and sing Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas songs until the balloon apparatus strikes the ground since he’s probably going to be with Jesus on his birthday…this might make his transition to the afterlife a little less horrifying. Of course, I’m joking and I hope they can find a way to get this very dumb child down safely. Now do you wanna be pro-choice?!

Good luck and god speed!

**UPDATE**
THE BOY WAS FOUND HIDING IN THE ATTIC OF THE HOME. HE WAS NOT IN THE BALLOON.

via cnn.com

The 6-year-old Colorado boy who is believed to have set adrift a helium balloon Thursday, prompting ground and air searches, has been found alive, authorities said.

The balloon landed south of Prospect Springs, Colorado, on Thursday afternoon.

1 of 3

He was found in a box in the attic at his family’s Fort Collins home, according to authorities.

Facebook Gaydar. MIT students don’t have something better to do?

The Chef — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

We all know the death of privacy is imminent. We are so plugged into everyone else and everyone is so plugged into us, that even minor life happenings are oft posted and recorded for posterity. However, it is often taken for granted that are you leaving an electronic trail everytime you update a status or add a friend.

A couple of students at MIT picked up on this trail and turned it into a “Gaydar” of sorts:

Using data from the social network Facebook, they made a striking discovery: just by looking at a person’s online friends, they could predict whether the person was gay. They did this with a software program that looked at the gender and sexuality of a person’s friends and, using statistical analysis, made a prediction. The two students had no way of checking all of their predictions, but based on their own knowledge outside the Facebook world, their computer program appeared quite accurate for men, they said.

While this may, in the interim, serve as locker room fodder and crude humor, the applications are pretty much endless. Ferreting out political affiliations, sexual promiscuity, drinking habits and drug use… Even if you’ve never inhaled and certainly never posted about it, a lot can be inferred by the (online) company you keep.

via [Discoblog]

New Yorkers are awesome: Presidential Election Write-Ins

The Chef — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:45:55 +0000

Excerpt from Official Election Board Document

Check out this document the New York times got its leftist hands on. Don’t worry, it’s a pdf so it will look like you are doing work…

Some of the highlights:

Ron Paul [58 votes!]
Oprah
John McCain from 2000 not 2008 (Two totally different people)
Russian President Vladimir Putin [2 votes- one spelled incorrectly]
Joe Paterno

What’s your favorite?

Boy cries blood? It’s a Vampire! Kill it! Kill it!

scatmansham — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 12:30:34 +0000

Ok, so there’s a kid who cries blood. Obviously he’s a whiny bitch, because his mother has about 100 pictures of his blood soaked face. Dude, you’re letting the whole world know you cry all day. I’m no doctor, but it’s obvious he’s either been bitten by a vampire or cries so much his tear glands are just screaming “ENOUGH ALREADY YOU PUSSY!”.

I fail to see what he’s so worried about because my eyes are red and bleeding all the time, and no matter how many times that bitch maces me I will still pass out on her lawn naked when I drink too much. You heard me you old hag! I mean, Mom. Hit the jump for embedded video.

Any True Blood fans out there that think this is awesome show your love in the comments.

Weekly Recap: In case you missed it…

Bill Gates thinks he can fight hurricanes, which can mean only one thing…We are all going to be killed.

scatmansham — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:54:43 +0000

“Bill Gates: saving the world one titty joint at a time.”

I come across some really odd articles while I am boogie boarding the net, but this one takes the cake. At cnn.com, there’s an article about how William Gates, one of the richest men on the planet, wants to patent a technology that can actually stop a hurricane from happening.

“Gates and a dozen other scientists have raised eyebrows by submitting patent applications for a technology to reduce the danger of approaching hurricanes by cooling ocean temperatures.”

Now look, if I were worth 500 bajillion dollars I would probably have a few crazy ideas of my own like eradicating the entire shark, spider, and snake population because they are the 3 things that trigger my “girl scream”, or pay Megan Fox, Bar Rafaeli, and Jessica Biel 50 Billion a piece to participate in a foursome with me. Now I know what you’re saying, “they would bang you for free you handsome piece of man”, and you are probably right, but the 50 billion is more for their discretion about my performance and presentation than the actual sex itself, because what’s the point of being a billionaire when everyone knows you suck in bed and are hung like an infant hamster. They go on to explain their approach to this massive, suicidal and no doubt, bat-shit crazy expensive endeavor…

“Hurricanes are fueled by warm water, and cooling the waters surrounding a storm would slow a storm’s momentum. According to the patents, many tub-like barges would be placed directly in the path of an oncoming storm. Each barge would have two conduits, each 500 feet long. One conduit would push the warm water from the ocean’s surface down. The other would bring up cold water where it lies deep undersea.”

Bill, it’s one thing to pay a smoking hot, Hollywood piece of ass 20 mil for a blumpkin, but it’s another thing to fuck with mother nature, because as the past has shown us, only bad things can come from fucking mother nature, and splinters on your penis is just the tip of the iceberg…trust me.

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“25 douchiest colleges” according to GQ magazine

cupcake — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:23:27 +0000

It’s not the US News and World Report’s list of the nation’s “best colleges,” nor is it the Princeton Review (which is bs anyway). It’s GQ magazine’s determination of the 25 douchiest colleges in America, described as “GQ’s first-ever guide to our nation’s Ivoriest Towers of douchery.”

The list includes a few Virginia schools, some Ivies, and even little old Rollins College, among a handful of state and private institutions. So even if your school didn’t make the top 25, you’ll definitely know someone who went to a top 25er. And you know what that means: it’s heckling time.

Black Friday deals for Kmart and Sears revealed